Yo dont text me then not text me
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
