I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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