I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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