got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
