Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
