I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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