omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
