She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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