i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
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Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*