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i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
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