i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."