I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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