put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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