Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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