sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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