Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
