The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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