If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
