if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
