I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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