Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
