i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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