did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
