FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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