Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
