you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
