I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
