The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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