she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
