glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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