Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
