My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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