...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I love you. Go after that dick
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
