i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
