You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I still have a little drunk in my system
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
