Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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