Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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