How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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