You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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