Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Everyone says I win the strip club
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
