Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
