Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
