You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
