wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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