OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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