dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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