Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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