The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
