im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
