i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
