There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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