The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
