I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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