I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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