I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
