Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
